My life is a mess

2012-01-20T18:10:00.001-08:00

2012-01-20T08:43:00.000-08:00

I am finally using the laptop again. I feel like such an irresponsible blog owner for completely putting my blog aside and not even blogging about anything... for so long. So to sort of 'pay my debts' i will take the time to post a fucking lost post for the sake of it and for whoever whose gonna read it. Which i doubt that there'll even be anybody reading my blog hahahahha story of my life ah k.

school

soooo school is alright i still can't accept the fact that i'm in sec 4 and taking my N levels this year. Adding on to the fact that teachers DO make it very stressful for students as ONE, for every single day you're in school, let me repeat EVERY SINGLE DAY, they will yap on and on and on about the importance of going up to secondary 5 and the criteria and blablabla. Every single fucking day ok. how can you not get pressurized. seriously????? teachers????? other than that, the new topics are quite manageable. for now, obviously. i'm just waiting for that one fine day where i will explode and will break down cause of all the bloody facts about certain topics that i can't seem to understand. i'm sure that day will come someday ;) errrr other than thattttt okay there's nothing else let's move on bleah

lovelovelove

soooo fariz and i have been together for almost seven months now. time really does fly very fast yeah. these past month wasn't quite a smooth sail but we always make it through as usual :) but things are improving now, we both are really trying not to have any arguments. we're just tolerating with each other and are avoiding any unneccerssary arguments, i can say. which is great :) i love him yeah. and did i mention, our 6th month celebration was perfect and none of us even had to put in any effort. you know why? ;) our monthsary falls on the first day of each month. and did you know there were fireworks? hahahaha i'm so annoying just cut to the chase ok. our 6th month was during the NEW YEAR. wooopeeeee cool tak. hehe :) i love him very much.

friends

honestly i think i've got quite a few cliques that i have to sometimes juggle here and there. and that sometimes may turn me into an indecisive person, i admit. but i really miss my friends. really i do :) i miss my beautiful girls(nazatul,haryanti,aliyah etc) and i too miss the group (jamie,shikin,julian etc) and especially yan and shaa, my childhood buddies. sometimes i really do wish i could turn back to when we were all having a great time. all of us (in general) i'm just thankful for having such great friends. the ones who really stuck by me when i was crushed and when i was all smiles. i know, i'm not an irreplacable or amazing or nice friend. but i really do love them. even though i screw up sometimes that'll make them upset or whatsoever, i'll always try my best to find a way and get back to them. there are some froms whom i've drifted off from but maybe that's how things are. yes?

family

okay there's nothing much to say. same old same old, crazy outgoing family. i love them all :) very very much. they'll always be a priority, never an option. chey.

sooo in general everything's alright now. whatever happens, happens! buaiisssss(irritating)

END

2011-10-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmm.

2011-10-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

Hey peepos(hahaha annoying). and again its been long since i blogged cause my brother's laptop is spoilt. hais. wait, i don't even think anyone will read or follow up my blog apart from fariz. hahaha i think. so anyways, everyone just got our results for our EOY and honestly speaking i am not happy with it at all. hmm :( i expected myself to get much much better grades but i did not. haiy, i just hope and pray that even if i can't get first in class, i still can be in the top ten. please oh please. if not it will be a very drastic drop.

these past few days, quite a few bad things happened to me. in terms of relationships and friendships. it was seriously not an experience i would want to go through again. but hopefully i'll learn from my mistakes. the main point for me is to manage my time equally for my family, friends, boyfriend and ultimately myself. NO MORE PROBLEMS REGARDING THIS ANYMORE PLEASE. i do not like the feeling of guilt.

so i'm currently at kak sri's house (which is why i can blog) and cik lan is going to get rfor us SOP TULANG. jeng jeng jeng yessaaaa favourite part of staying over here is the food. and then tomorrow i'll be going over to sulaiman's house for a video shoot for his school project. their houses are in the same estate but i do not know how to get there :\ but luckily i don't have to wake up super early compared to if i'm at tampines.

i really feel dumb now cause i'm talking to myself and i know nobody is gonna be reading this. unless, i post it on twitter. but like attention seeking only. k i really don't know. feel like a pro typing so fast at the keyboard. kekekekekekekek. kk bye time for sop tulang!!!

2011-09-18T03:52:00.000-07:00

I hate the fact that i will occasionally get sad after a long period of time. I will get sad, just because i didnt get sad for a very long time. I don't know, maybe i'm just not used to it. Idk la fuck. And there's no fucking reason to why im feeling so down. And now theres so many fucking kids in my room annoying the shit it out of me and i just need some time alone but they're only pushing my limits. Fuck la im so angry and sad and dksjjdoisbebizbs. Everybody please go away.

2011-09-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

hey hey. first of all, i want to apologize to this almost-useless blog of mine for abandoning it and.. stuff. kk i'm pretty sure no one's gonna be reading my blog right now soooo yah. just went out to jalan raya with ma galz and even though we weren't complete, we were still all very crazy. no awkward moments, even after a long period of time not seeing each other. awww i love them :) oh and i made a new friend. wait, i do know her it's just that i don't really take the time to make friends and conversate ya know. kk soooo yesterday (pulak), i went to jalan raya with my babes yan and sha alongside our old friends. it was kinda awkward at first cause the last time we went out together was three years back, when we were in primary six. but slowly it was okok la. i invited love and he came along. we were both dressed in white, see

we look so cute kan. hehe. okay apart from all that. these few days some weird things have been happening to me. okay maybe only one. it's very very easy for me to get super dizzy. its like, everytime i tilt my head upwards, everything i see will literally flip upside down. i mean, that's what i see. maybe it's cause of the lack of sleep that i get these past few days. and it's not only when i look upwards. that sudden rush of dizziness will just come and go at any random moment which is basically the worst part of it all. haiz i should just try eating a panadol pill :( suckzzzz. and gonna webcam with sweetheart later. hehe :) kk bye

2011-08-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

the starting of this week didn't start out so well, cause i did not meet fariz for a very long time and many things started to happen. but yesterday i finally had the chance to meet him :) yeah i missed him so badly. but we're both very happy now~ hehehek. so anyways, kak sri's getting me a baseball jacket and i happen to be deeply inlove with this one.

doesn't it look soooo cute! i mean seriously it's baby blue. hehehe i'm so excited! hopefully i'll be able to get this one cause this isn't so common like the others. hehek. macam paham. soooo anyways. NDP has ended and i'm so sadd :( i used to hate it when there was ndp rehearsals but now i'm so sure that i'm gonna miss it. i miss it already. no more pizza hut. no more kfc. no more rice with chicken something something. no more time to put on make up. no more walking from the f1 pit to the marina floating platform. cause you know why? we've been working our butts off for the past five months just for that day and now it has ended. hmm :'( o well what to do. now it's time for me to prioritize my studies more. for my EOY's aim is to get first in class! no more second ehhhh. don't want :( okay la byebyeee. love you fariz muaxxx

2011-08-11T06:36:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since i updated my blog. My laptop broke down so yaaa, and i'm currently at kak sri's so i'm taking every opportunity to update and change my blogskin. Though it still looks like shit.. i'm gonna settle that the next time. Sooo yeah, broke my fast at kak sri's place and i ate sop tulang! Wow i still want some more cause it's freaking delicious, uh huh~ Anyways, fariz zulkifli isn't texting me cause he's studying for prelims! Goodluck for your prelims love, aiyoo so scary. Speaking of studies, i got top for chemistry today. hehehe, but only scored 15/25 -.- hahaha can also la, i was expecting myself to fail since i didn't complete but owell! hehehehe. ok byebye

i maybe short, but im not someone to play around with. i hope you die slowly....emozxzx forever!

2011-07-12T08:58:00.001-07:00

okay fariz, i get your point!!!

random shizzzz

2011-07-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

hey i loved my day today!! you make me so happy you know :) i need to change my background cos it looks kinda boringggggg *hint hint* bye love you <3

i love you

2011-07-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

so it's currently 1 am and i'm still not asleeep!!! oh gosh, tomorrow's gonna be a very long day. but oh well gotta deal with it. but actually, it's alright cause i know i'll feel as alive as ever right in the morning cause.... heheh. dah kay whatever. so my current favourite song is called love by nat king cole. even though it's a pretty old song, there's still lots of meaning to it. i luv it! that's pretty much all i wanna talk about, which is the song. yknow? hahaha. anyways, i realize my blog's kinda dull. there are no colouts. i mean, all of them are so dark. people might think i'm emo or something. lol merepek nye. okay la i'll make it more brighter :) oh yeaa and, i'm tryna enlarge the picture even more. just wanna try it out you know?! okkkk shutup. school's kinda boring, being ms gan's physics rep is not an easy task i'm telling you. but it's a good time to finally be responsible... or something. hopefully, i'll sleep in ten minutes time. goodnight people <3

2011-07-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

2011-07-03T21:31:00.000-07:00

adam levine

'my heart's a stereo. it beats for you so listen close. hear my thoughts and every note.'

2011-07-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

look what i've got!

marshmallow la! what did you think it was? hahaha merepek nye.

sooo this few days has been the bestest days of my life ever. like really, evaaar. hehehhhh. i didn't know that i would be so important to anybody. surprisingly i am :) haiy i'm just very hapy right now, like really. i love you okay!!! hehe :) so today i'm gonna watch monte carlo with the girls. yeaay i miss them like crazy but it seems like everyone's keeping their own little secrets to themselves. hmm why? i don't know. it's quite hard to get things back like it was before. like everyone, telling each other everything. it's sad, it really is. i miss all of us, being so close. but now it's like we're seperated. i would love to have the seven of us close like before. if not, what's up with the friendship band right? hmm yes. i miss you guys alot. really alot. please prove me wrong that all of us are not changed people. love.

2011-06-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

please please somebody tell me what am i supposed to do now. pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase. i really don't know what to do. please :'/ i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i know, i'm wrong. i always am. can i be a different person, where problems like these don't come too often. i feel like i'm so used to this that i just can't be bothered to solve this matter. i just want it to go away. and to you, sorry for always giving you a hard time. i don't know what i want, i can't understand myself. i guess i never will be able to, understand myself.

2011-06-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

lol i'm a fucking mess. what the fuck am i doing. all i do is dissapoint. what the fuck is wrong with me. what the fuck do i want. what the fuck. aku macam... cume pandai menyusahan hidop orang je eh. macam palapuki uh aku cume boley maki je ah kan. asal lah aku hidop kat dunia ni, macam menyusahkan ajeee. macam sial eh, aku. haha fuck this shit aku macam nak tumbok muke orang pastu meleptop. NBCB. ahh i just don't know how to express this fucked up feeling i have. but yes i feel so fucking fucked up. SDFGHJKL why must i do this. WHY DO I KEEP MESSING UP. the fuck!! is it that fucking difficult to be fucking happy for once. every move i make, there's always something wrong about it. can't i be right for once? can't i? fk nb cb palapk. i just wanna run away from all this ah please. seriously please. i don't wanna cause anymore pain or hurt. i realized ahh, i can never stay happy for long. hahaha that's just my fucking luck i guess. I WANNA RUN AWAY.

2011-06-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

the closer I am to you, the more things I will get to know about. and i'll feel so hurt more than ever. if I knew this was coming, I wouldn't have want to hear it. so basically I can't do a fucking thing to make myself feel better. there are no options to choose from. so I have to keep it all inside and try my best to deal with it. I didn't know liking someone would be this difficult. uh fuck it.

2011-06-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

there's nothing i can do about it. i'm used to this.

2011-06-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

i'm still awake at this hour(3.22 a.m) not like i'm not used to this. my body clock is really crazy now. i will only start to feel sleepy at around five or six in the morning. unhealthy! lack of sleep is not good but owell. my face is seriously very masai now.. wanna see?

*screams in the background that's always used in the classic horror movies*

mak. iqyn stfu sia i'm so lame! hmm anyways. i'm so hooked with adele's songs. and also chris brown. they're amazing, really :) oh and jra, and aj rafael and and.. okay i shall shut up now. dad just asked me why i'm so obsessed with the laptop. lol i'm not okay! anyways, mira(my sister) just got an ipod 4. hmm i sort of feel that she didn't deserve it. i sound like a jerk i know. but she didn't come home for a day and then the next day, she received at ipod 4. WHAT THE FISH. yeah seriously. me and my brother just kept quiet. she better not start asking for an iphone 4 again or im gonna smash her ipod. lol kidding! dendam seh, quite ah. okay whatever bye

you've been on my mind. i grow fonder everyday, lose myself in time just thinking of your face

- one and only by adele

2011-06-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

you're the cutest thing i've ever seen :)

2011-06-19T02:51:00.000-07:00

i miss you already. please take care and get here from sydney asap alright. i'll pray for your safety! love you babe. muahhhh.

2011-06-19T02:35:00.000-07:00

i'll love you forever

its been kinda long since i blogged. so, happy father's day to all dad's and father figures or something. and especially to my dad :) i'm kinda proud of myself for making a 'card' for him. i swear it's super plain and boring and all but i really did pour my heart out on that simple little card, just to show him my appreciation and all. i made the card at around 3.30 am just now. what a timing, i know. anyways, i really love my dad i swear. he loves to nag but he knows its for my own good. even if it the littlest of things like, 'adik pergi berus gigi skarang. pergi pergi. skarang jugak' he will always make sure my siblings and i let him or my mother know where we are. and he won't mind where we go, but he'll screw us if we don't inform him of our whereabouts. he's so funny and he really knows how to cheer me up whenever i'm down. and he can seem to know whenever i'm having some other non-family related problems. he'll always ask me if i'm okay. and obviously i'd lie :) i can go on forever just to show you how great my father is but you'd have to be me to know that. and i'm lucky that i got to be his daughter. i love you ayah, promise i'll be there whenever you need me. happy fathers day <3 :)

2011-06-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

i still get butterflies when you smile at me.

oh man. i really,really,really wanna talk to you very badly. the moments when i truly feel happy is whenever you're around me. so cliche yet so real! hmm, no wonder i long to talk to you cause you'll always make me smile :) but sometimes i just don't want to keep going up to you cause i'm afraid it'll make it look too obvious that i like you. i don't want to that to happen. as in, what if you won't like me back. yuppppp. so i really wanna talk to you, really really soon! haiz. i'll just keep hoping ok! hek hek hekz.

2011-06-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

no no no no iqyn. what are you doing? you're not supposed to do this. it's all wrong wrong wrong. hmm. i make myself look so stupid. cause, i wanna talk to you. lol i really look dumb!!! as in, ah you know what i'm talking about right. hmm i should stop trying so hard and make myself look stupid in the end. just chill? go with the flow.. IF i could help it. ahh we'll just see how it goes lah. bah(which means bye)

2011-06-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

i'm just so pissed and annoyed at every little thing. don't even ask me what's the matter cause you'll fucking annoy me and i won't even wanna give shit about you. I seriously don't know what the fuck is up with me. i just don't want this fucking feeling anymore la! i don't wanna care about you anymore you get it? i don't even wanna think about you anymore. cause i fucking hate you. i. fucking. hate. you. i don't like it when i seriously wanna be carefree aabout everything but when i think of you i feel like there's no chance to being carefree. fucking bullshit.

2011-06-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW

i want this so badly please :'(

2011-06-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

sooo how do I say this? how do I tell you that I like you? god this is driving me crazy :( you really don't even realize that it's you who i'm, talking about. but anyways I know you won't like me back right... SO anyways, went to airport today with the usuals and I taught jamie, shikin and roseanne ms steph's choreo. But I did ask for permission. and hell it was tiring seriously! fariz zul was with his dougie and rave. so freakin funny I swear x) after that we headed to terminal 2's club. I have been really craving for their food. finally I had a filling dinner so far. then after thaat, julian fariz zul and me slacked at tampines mart. we shared our embarassing moments. hillarious! maybbe I didn't, well that's only cause I couldn't think of any at that moment. and now i'm here, in my room blogging through my phone! okay ggonna take a cooling shower in ten minutes :P bye!

2011-06-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

Come to think of it, i actually do like my blog now. hehe! especially the song ;) all back by chris brown. so anyways, i pity my sister. you know sometimes you would do anything just to make all the problems gone and everything okay again. but the other party is just too, heartless i guess. i've seen it for myself, what 'love' can do to you. it really sucks when something so beautiful turned out to be a nightmare. i hate the fact that i have to witness a person's heartbreak and happiness. and it all continues like a cycle. some part of me just wants her to stop whining and get on with it. but another part of me feels that it's unfair cause she was there when i was at my lowest but i'm not. not that i don't comfort her, it's just that in conclusion, to leave someone is the best way but she won't accept those kind of words that come out of my mouth. soo i try to comfort her and... try to make her feel better? but i swear i suck at that. so sometimes i just stare, or talk crap cause you don't wanna get too mushy and stuff yknow. i wouldn't mind if she's my friend, but she's not. so yeah, it'll be so so awkward. bah(which means bye)

2011-06-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

we're kinda freakin awesome

Heeeeey to anyone whose reading this. So i woke up frightened today cause i had a dream that everyone turned into mindless zombies :( well not everyone, i know jamie did. It was so freakin scary seeing her face change into a zombie. Her hands swelled up like a balloon and so did her face. It was damn scary. I mean, in my dream not actual jamie. And it's a super super great feeling when i woke up and got to know that it was only a bad dream. Super big sigh of relief. yeay! So when i woke up, i could hardly breathe because of my blocked nose. i tried to breath through my mouth but i'm still having this sore throat. So it would kinda hurt when i breathe through my mouth, but i still did. i mean what other choice do i have. So yeaaa. Oh and, i just changed my blogskin and it kinda looks messy and all but i guess it's the postings that make it look messy. It quiteeee disappointing cause it took quite a long time for me to make some changes to the blogskin code thingy. so ya nothing else to say bye!

2011-06-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

at least i had the chance to talk to you. it's okay even if its for a little while.

2011-06-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

oh gosh, i really feel like crying. seeing that you're so crazy for her. chances of me even getting you to like me.. well basically its almost impossible. i guess i just have to forget it, as usual. let's face it, you'll never like me back right. cause no one ever does. bye

2011-06-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

i've got so many favourite songs lately! lemme just post them up, not like anyone would see them or anything hahaha. bye ;)

2011-06-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

it has been sooo long since i updated my blog. i guess this is when i really have to blog about whatever i'm going through horrr. so anyways, why is it that whenever i have a crush on someone that person will never ever seem to like me. as in, he doesn't even seem interested. it has always been like this. me liking someone but it'll never be that someone liking me too. it's really kinda sad for me cause it has been like this all along. i even indirectly told the person and he doesn't even know. i seriously felt so stupid. like, who am i kidding? who would ever like a person like me. maybe it's cause i forgot how it felt like to be loved. not that i'm in love or anything. and anyway, it's just a.. quite-huge-crush-but-i'm-just-denying-that-it-is crush :) by this, it really goes to show that i'm always not good enough for anybody. i just want a day, when i can stop trying so hard to meet other people's standards and just be myself and actually being appreciated for being myself. why can't anyone see how hard it is for me to try and be 'good enough'. i guess i won't get a chance to even tell you i like you. cause you've got her. hmmmmmmmmm oh life~

2011-04-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

'so confused. wanna ask you if you love

me. but i don't wanna seem so weak'

2011-04-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

i simply can't understand myself. always constantly feeling that i'm never good enough. maybe it's because of how long i've waited for you. you're here with me but why can i feel the distance between us. even the littlest things you do or don't do make me question myself. maybe it's just me, maybe i'm just not good enough, that's why you're not here. maybe you're just pretending. i don't know. my heart is racing but you don't know a single thing that is going on. i don't expect you to find out what's going on, but please, at least pretend that you care. you're so much better than me at everything. you're too good in every way. there's so many other girls for you to choose from. now i wonder what you see in me. or maybe you don't? maybe i'm just an embarrassment to you. hmm. this is really stupid la whatever i'm typing. i just need to spit everything out for once.

self-esteem -.-

2011-02-10T03:59:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS THE CURE FOR JEALOUSY?

and no, do not get me wrong. there's so many pretty girls out there. i can never be compared to someone so fucking gorgeous. i have self-esteem issues and that's never unusual. they have the looks,brains, style, character and i'm just... mediocre. and monotonous woo.yeay for me. hmm i wonder how i'll be like in future, when i'm an adult or smth. will i still be dwelling on the fact that i will never be good enough. well i hope not. this small matter has been running in and out of my mind. and i'm not writing this to seek for attention or whatever it is that some sick minded people would probably think. yeah.

2011-02-06T02:14:00.000-08:00

you are the best thing that's ever been mine

OK I AM BACK BITCHES. anyway, i haven't been doing anything at all lately. no life ): but that's okay. hmm i guess. plus i just threaded my eyebrows. and no, i didn't pay to get it done in a shop. i did it on my own! hahahaha. plus, its not into any specific shape. i only threaded the hairs around my eye area cause its so freaking hairy shit! but come to think of it, i look different with my no-longer bushy eyebrows ): but who cares. okay i seriously have nothing to talk about :/ bye

2011-01-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

i'll never attempt and try to confess to you about anything ever cause things won't be better. my big mouth will just make it worse, i bet you think so too. sometimes i wonder why you even signed up for this when you already know how shitty i am. so from now on i'll just bottle up my feelings like how you want me to. there's so many fucking things i've been wanting to say. but let's just pretend that never existed. its like i'm just the speck of dust on your shoulders. and you can sweep me off whenever you want to while i'm struggling to be important to you again. i cant say anything. i wont say anything. i'll just shut up and apologize.

2010-12-29T01:01:00.000-08:00

everytime i listen to this song i feel all tingley inside and just feel like jumping up and start dancing like a total idiot. its so mesmerising. I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE. woh!! its like i've turned into a totally carefree person and danced the shit out of this song. and by dancing i mean jumping up and down the couch. you may think its immature but I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE so what else can i do!? i know, i said that twice right!! hehehe. but reaaaaally! alaa i can't explain this feeling thing ok! i'm hypnotized by this song ;) clearly it reminds me of you! hehehehehehe bye

2010-12-21T05:38:00.000-08:00

our long-awaited picnic/meet-up was a success. what in the world am i talking about -.- okay. the girls and i had planned for this outing for the past two weeks and fortunately everything, which was yesterday, went out perfectly. except for the part where jueta was crying and all, okay i should shut up. and did i mention the whether was so fucking hot. i think i might have gotten tanner. plus, yesterday may be the first time that i actually enjoyed flying a kite as all my attempts in the past, on flying a kite had always failed. anws, i was bothered to only upload seven pictures and furthermore its been so long since i've blogged with more than a picture in a post. i'm really talking bullshit right now cause i'm practially braindead and bored. ah shitbag. after the picnic, we went to bugis to walk. we took less than an hour there before heading home. and i bought an earpiece for 6 bucks and it's totally useless, so soft i could barely hear a thing and a waste of my money. PFFT bai bitcheeees.

2010-12-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

I hate the fact that i've been complaning about every little difficulty that i've faced in life. but, there's only one thing I wanna know, then i'll shut up completely. WHEN DOES IT STOP? life is so fucking unfair and most of the time I don't feel appreciated at all. I know you think I must be so ungrateful to say all this but trust me I am sort of making a point. nothing changed, and nothing will ever change. so the more I keep mourning about this, the more I waste my time. I just dont understand why. can't everything go smoothly for once? ah shitbag

2010-12-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

can't say i didn't told you so

2010-12-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

wow so many things have been happening. well not really that many but there's this one thing that has been bothering me the most. for months, even a year, and also up till now i cant seem to solve this bloody thing. why does it take so long for someone to realize something? despite all the hints one has given. but still, it doesnt really work for an ignorant person huh. you only need one person to change another person comepletely. and all it takes to forget everyone that was there for you and who really truly cared for you is your fucked up prioratizing. now, i think i dont have to drown myself in all this madness just for someone whose selfish enough not to care.

2010-12-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

just came back from obs. five days of pure hardwork, well maybe a little bit of slacking :) hmm, lemme post about something more personal k. i hate it when people play around with my feelings. seriously? what is your god damn purpose man. what the fuck do you want. you wanna make me feel dumbfounded? well hell yeah i fucking am but i'm no longer am i gonna face your shit anymore. you take that it and remember that. i'm sick. sooooooo soooooo sooooooo sick and tired and worn out from this. HAH, okay i had enough

can i chop off someone's head now -.-

2010-11-27T21:18:00.000-08:00

do you know how sick and tired am i of this. seriously, why am i always the one to do it. i'm not saying i don't wanna hold the responsibility or whatever shit. but comeon, you act as if i'm the only child. you know i have something important to do, instead of yelling at me and telling me how useless i am, you could at least have told the others to do it instead of me. but noo, its me who has to do it when i'm busy packing my stuff for obs, and the others are.. sleeping? it still has to be me huh? me me me. don't tell me that they're sleeping kay. you woke me up instructing me to do those things when she was beside me, awake, using the laptop? was there a need? was it that important that it has to be me? is it that tough till i had to do it? come oooooon, its so simple -.- you know better that i have insufficient time to do all those things at once. I'M SICK OF IT. stop depending on only me. i'm not tryna be rude. at least be fair for once. but when i say i bet you're gonna say, 'iqyn, its not good to say that. you could help by blablabla' dont gimme that bull okay! you know better that i've been doing most of the work. ISHHH sial ahhhhhhhh

2010-11-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, went to haji with shikin and jamie. Chey no, haji lane i mean. It was the first time i went to a flea market. Kental, i know -.- And did i mention the whether there was fuuuuuuuucking hot like crazy till i got rashes all over my neck? Yeah i did and it looks damn grose now! hahaha. But it was all seriously worth it, even though i only spent fifty dollars there. I bought a pair of jeans that was only for three dollars goddammit! Plus i didn't really expect the number of booths/shops to be that much, and so we had to take so long just to get to the end of the lane. And it was also partly because of jamie. She was stopping at every shop she saw and me and shikin always had to wait for her x] okaaay, after that we went to the flea at somerset. There wasn't that much things there, all the people who were selling things were super hard headed, they can't even give you a dollar of discount -.- But i was too broke to buy anything there anyways. After that headed to airport to eat and thats all. Okay bai

2010-11-21T01:41:00.000-08:00

okay so you think you're a big shot? hahahaha piss off lah. you don't scare me bitch. if you don't have any respect for me, i won't even give you a speck of it. don't try to show me your fucking attitude and think i'm just gonna shut up and live with it. the least you could do is be fair -.- i'm fucking sick of you and your bloody dumb ways. that's all i can say. so start thinking for a change okay? you wanna play rough, lets.

2010-11-17T05:22:00.000-08:00

currently at kak sri's house, celebrating hari raya haji and most probably staying over here tonight. i can asure you that my blog won't be flooded with sad things anymore. this time its for real kay, fuck the past. it don't mean a thing to me anymore. and if it still does, it can't be repeated, won't be repeated for all i know. ok shutup. soo today went to three of my grandmothers' house and at all three of them, i ate like a pig. mehehehe its heaven to taste my grandmum's cooking seriously. okkk bai :D

2010-11-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

life is so fucked up and i can't stand it anymore

'sometimes we expect more from others, because we would be willing to do that much for them'

today may be the worst day ever. ok seriously you do what you wanna do ok. i can't even explain how fucking heartbroken i feel. i dont know who to blame now. i fucking cried in public when i was in the bus and all the way when i was walking home. i swear my heart fell, in a split second. its a kind of feeling that you don't usually get. my head is gonna explode.

2010-11-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

Its not just about all the hopes that hurt you the most. Its the positivity that you have in you, thinking that you'll get what you want. But when you dont get what you want, you just suddenly you start punishing yourself for being too positive. And all that shit gets worst when you start being negative. So bottomline, there's no way out of this huh? Dont think so. I just thought i didnt care but hell yeah i did.

2010-11-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

when i'm fucking angry i will cry my lungs out and i am crying my lungs out.

EHHHHH cb sia seriously -.- unfair unfair unfair unfair!! i'm sick of this sia, its not about freedom or anything like that. but when it comes to something that they think is unneccessary, they're being let go easily. but i am the one who is stuck. and when i say something or complain or saying that i'm not satisfied about it, they will tell me that i have a bad way of looking at situations like this. what the hell?! WHAT THE FUCK SIA. today is totally fucked up. i shouldn't have went out. ughhhhhhhhh, k i totally don't know what to do now. things like these are happening to me all the time. its not like i'm being ungrateful. its just that for once, can things be easy. for once can i not strain myself. YAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK

2010-11-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

FUCK ALL THIS. FUCK ALL THIS FUCK ALL THIS FUCK ALL THIS. FUCK ALL THIS. I'M TYPING MY HEART OUT NOW AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT UH.

2010-10-31T05:29:00.000-07:00

ON HIATUS

so get the fuck off my blog bitches. hehehehe bye

2010-10-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

haha. i seem like such a freaking troublemaker, the one being a pain. but you have no idea what i had to go through. hmm, you don't realize it don't you? all i want is you. isn't it plain to see? but well, i don't mean a thing to you. soooooooooo.. i should forget it huh. i've been waiting for the moment went miracles happen, but i don't think it's really happening.

2010-10-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

i've come to realize how much of a fucking burden i have been for some, till they had to go through hell because of me and what i did. seriously, when will all this end. so many fucking things are happening to me. when will all of it end. when. up to this day i'm still wondering why it's always me who has to feel this way. i don't even think i deserve to treat myself fairly. i don't think i deserve anything, seriously. cause in the end i would just screw it up. fuck this uh. i really feel like i need to be isolated. or maybe just take a break in this world, have a moment to escape from all the hardships. i have serious mental issues, always thinking negatively, always demoralized and will never rejoice. i hate this! I SWEAR I FUCKING HATE THIS.

2010-10-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

'because of you, i'm ashamed of my life because it's empty'

i feel so used, betrayed, useless. i feel like i'm invincible. i feel so inferior to decide for my own well being. okay i sound so soft-hearted. but one day i'm seriously gonna give no bloody face for anyone anymore. one day i seriously gotta stop these motherfuckers from ruining my life. k la whatever

2010-10-14T05:31:00.000-07:00

damn you for doing this to me. fuck you for making me feel this way. i swear i have no idea what you're up to. what's your whole damn motive huh? stupid sia. i'm angry at myself for letting this happen -.-
~~'i sit up all night thinking 'bout you. damn, know it ain't right, baby. but i don't - don't think that i can let go'~~

fucking betrayal

2010-10-12T23:46:00.000-07:00

i swear i hate this. i hate this so much. oh god whatever did i do to deserve all this. i've been through so much and it's still not ending. i didn't ask for much. all i wanted was you. all i wanted was to finally forget about the past. the whole day, i wondered if it's karma or is it just my luck. i was patient, i waited. i thought i had that chance. but i was only living in my own world. ouh god, why me. why me why me. why do i have to face this. FUCKKKKK. i shouldn't have tried to.
life gives you lemons
whatever happens, its still all my fault

2010-10-08T21:04:00.001-07:00

i dislike today. even though i'm not close to that person, i can feel as if i died a little inside when i heard the news. we all love you. even though you're gone, everyone will still continue appreciating what you have offered for this world. rest in peace tok mat )':

2010-10-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

i heard it with my own ears. i heard everything. now i know how it feels like to be seriously unappreciated. did you even think back of what you were saying, or the way you said it? before that, did it even cross your mind that your words would hurt me, penetrate into my brain and stay there forever? did you? did you think about all the frustration i was gonna go through choosing between what i want and what you want, whether my happiness is more important or is it yours. did you? "I really don't appreciate it. Sorry uh. but i really don't" what thee? it seriously made a huge impact to me, i was fucking speechless and i felt like i never wanna talk to you till forever.. but, when i think back, maybe it is for my own good. idk? k bye

2010-10-06T05:05:00.000-07:00

today is another typical day full of madness and sadness and happiness, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

as usual :) bye suckers

2010-10-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes you think you've gotten over a person,

but when you see him smile you suddenly realized you're just pretending

you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that

he will never be yours

2010-10-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

sometimes. it's better for you to just stfu and help make life easier for others. granted, i don't know what situation you're in but there was no a need for you to do what you did. i know i will always somehow do something wrong everyday but nothing could compare it to what you did. maybe i know nothing about what's causing you to do this but.. that's not really a nice thing to do. i don't even know why i'm talking about this matter. i'm not even involved. well, just my opinion

this is for you my frieeeend :D
standing up for who you love.
bye

2010-09-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

I got zero for a simple math test. That proves how much I suck in it. -.- I have been trying to start studying since B oclock which was 45 minutes ago but I can't even get started with anything. I've been sitting on my desk for that whole period of time but yet I still haven't start studying yet. Greaaat.

2010-09-28T05:59:00.001-07:00

i feel like such a lifeless fucked up bitch -.-

TGIF FUCKERS

2010-09-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

Can't believe i was thinking about school until ... i remembered that tomorrow's saturday. nahh, just worried about my exams. school will be the last thing i ever wanna think about. anw, i'm gonna change for myself, ahh k. i'm sick of being so emotional. hahaha, cause i swear i sound stupid. i swear i sound like an idiot living in my own world. so i've realized that it's important to forget about unneccesary stuff and just be god damn happy! :D for once, everyone should just treat themselves fairly and forget about all the bullshit their going through. this ordeal is a life lesson. it thought me to toughen up a little bit and to never expect anything from anyone. so that's what my motto is now. yeah

'Risk for anything. care no more for opinions of others, for other voices. do the hardest thing on earth for you. act for youself. FACE THE TRUTH'

sorry guys.. i'm a liar ): i can never get over you. fuck

2010-09-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

I shouldnt love you
But I want to
I just cant turn away
I shouldnt see you
But I cant move, I cant look away
And I dont know how to be fine when im not
And I dont know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know, this feelings taking control of me
And I cant help it
I wont sit around, I cant let him win now
Thought you should know, I try my best to let go of you
But I dont want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know....
Its getting hard to be around you
Theres so much I cant say
Do you want me to hide the feelings and look the other way?
And I dont know how to be fine when im not
Cuz I dont know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know, this feelings taking control of me
And I cant help it
I wont sit around, I cant let him win now
Thought you should know, I try my best to let go of you
But I dont want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you knoooowwww
This emptyness is killing me
I wonder why, ive waited so long
Looking back I realize it was always there just never spoken
Well im waiting here
Waiting here

Ohhh
Just so you know, this feelings taking control of me
And I cant help it
I wont sit around, I cant let him win now
Thought you should know, I try my best to let go of you
But I dont want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

2010-09-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

i have a request. if you seriously feel like you don't want to be related to me in any way, i'm fine with it. but please tell me as soon as you realize that i'm actually waiting for an answer. at least something to tell me that i should forget about the whole thing. don't leave me here waiting for a miracle to happen when you know nothing's gonna happen. ouh yes, i will be hurt. but at least i won't suffer from all this curiousity in my head. give me a freaking answer k.

2010-09-23T05:57:00.001-07:00

2010-09-21T08:07:00.001-07:00

2010-09-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

YOU, YES YOU, make me think of myself as a freaking retarded bitch going all crazy for you. but it's still all my fault cause there's no point of being all crazy and i know that but i can't help myself. so fuck myself, and not forgetting you.I DON'T HATE YOU, I JUST HATE HOW YOU ARE TREATING ME. but it's not like you can do anything about it cause i'm nothing to you anymore kkkkk bye
HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF

2010-09-20T03:44:00.000-07:00

oh fuck it. i love this song. i can relate to most of the lyrics. but the difference is that, i bother thinking about a person day and night. i could dream about that person for consecutive nights. i could keep daydreaming about that person even though it's so clear that i don't mean a speck to that person. I'm invincible -.- oh well, you've gotta live all this fucking bullshit. but i can't freaking resist it. k dah bai assholes

'so you probably always have a spell on me'

2010-09-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

Don't fly me away
Don't need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul, you're my fire when I'm cold

2010-09-16T08:22:00.001-07:00

~~sometimes you love someone so much that not even the truth can change your mind~~

2010-09-16T03:44:00.000-07:00

no one really knows the true meaning of love unless they get married. so why do we, teenagers, even bother thinking about it even though we know that one day everything is gonna end? waste of time

i know you're somewhere out there. somewhere far away. i want you back

2010-09-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

everyone always think they know what is best for themselves. but hey, guess what? they don't even have a fucking clue. you think you know everything but you don't. you think you know how to be happy but you don't. you think you're capable of doing everything and that anything is possible. no that's not true. there's no hope in anything anymore. cause you'll just realize that you put in so much hope in thinking that you're going to be okay, in thinking that you'll get what you want. and all that you want is happiness. but in the end of the day, you will suddenly realize that everything was just a waste of time. and remembering back all the bloody fucking tears that dropped down your cheeks, all the pain you had to go through, AND KNOWING THAT ALL OF THAT WAS A WASTE OF TIME, it just sucks. and eventually it will make you feel even more demoralized and remorseful of what you did. that is exactly what i am feeling now.

im not emoshit la k. i'm just expressing my feelings but if you have a problem with that, please FUCK OFF from my blog cause you're not welcome here and i dont really care if anyone still reads it.

2010-09-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

and again i feel so stupid for doing what i did. i can't believe it la. i knew it was going to happen but, no. i ignored what my head was telling me. logically, i KNEW it was going to happen. i PREDICTED everything. somehow, its like i studied ur prangai ready la. but i was too busy listening to my heart -.- so stupid. and trust me i am not blaming anyone else but me. NO ONE ELSE BUT ME. i should never give my all in anything i do la. in the end, its still just gonna go down the drain. everything will still be wasted. NOW MY HEAD REGRETS. even though my heart doesn't, at all. not a single bit. nvm, i should forget everything now and move on with life. cause this is what's meant to happen. moving on with life. whoever said life was for love? i changed my mind. bai assholes

2010-09-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

i love my family k :)

2010-09-13T06:40:00.000-07:00

k no matter how much you want something in life, sometimes you just won't get it. even if you scream or yell, shout, cry, roll over the floor. you still won't get it. so in life you just have to accept reality and move on. but if you CAN'T move on, just suck it in, pretend everything's okay and bare with all the pain that you can put up with k? k

accept reality no matter how much it sucks. bai

2010-09-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

NO. i take back my words. i am NOT happy okay. dah. bye. not happy, anymore, ever. so much for that half a day of happiness? k fcuk off

2010-09-06T05:54:00.001-07:00

2010-09-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

thank god, i feel much more light headed now. not many things to think of ::) lesser problems for now ::) but all i want now is happiness. i do still feel quite remorseful but, you've gotta move on from it right? get ready for a new me, world :D

all i need is you, love

2010-08-31T04:25:00.000-07:00

i seriously feel very stupid. fuck this shit lah k. just fuck the whole world and fuck everyone. i cannot take it anymore laaaaa. living in my own world where no one can fucking understand me. i know i'm good for nothing la k. i know i'm an ass, a fucking douchebag. but what do you expect me to do? you don't expect me to live in everyone's words, doing what they want me to. this is MY life and i'm given MY own choice to do what i want. haaish.

MY LIFE JUST SUCK

2010-08-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

i hate it when this happens.

but i just LOVE you ):

2010-08-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

the wonders of a wonderful camera

2010-08-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

im so glad i didn't attend school today. i really hate school. i really dread to see those faces, it really breaks my heart. and it goes on as a cycle. can i not go to school everyday? haaaai. all i want is for my situation to get better and for me to stop whining about how sad or upset i am with life. but that's not gonna happen in a while.

2010-08-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

i was tryin to fly
but i couldnt find wings
but you came along and you changed everything

feels like im falling
and i'm lost in your eyes

you lift my feet off the ground you spin me around
you make me crazier

Even though what we have is strong
Both of us know that we've done wrong

For all the moments that we shared
All the lies they don't compare

Every time I see your face I know
There's a part of me that can't bear to let you go

And I would give my heart
Give you the world, risk losing everything I got
I'd give it all to you

And though it breaks my heart to leave
We both know it's time to let it breathe

i really need a heads up ... _|_

2010-08-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

i've really been down for the past few weeks. really really very down. i talk much lesser in school, i'm becoming more inattentive in class. i only talk when i feel like it. i'm very vulnerable, frown for every little thing that happens. cry for very stupid reasons. interact lesser with my friends, and apparently drift more and more apart every time i decide to keep my mouth shut. haven't been talking to my family members that often. what the hell is happening to me. everything is so clear now. i need you more than ever )':

2010-08-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

ouh god why am i living such a miserable life... i'm torn i'm hurt i'm shattered. but it's twice as painful to the ones i hurt. crying won't help but who the fuck will

2010-08-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

I'M SO STUPID SHIT

FUCKING STUPID. WTF WTF

live for yourself and not for others

2010-08-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

So, everyday the v principal, principal and whoever talks to the school about our life's purpose. obviously i didn't listen to a single shit their saying. but today i did, i couldn't believe i did.. but come to think of it, i start to think of life as nothing really important. i don't have any purpose. i go to school and pretend i'm studying. i go home and pretend i'm okay. i do have a purpose, but there are no pillars to those purposes. and by pillars i mean people, supporting me. i know my friends and families, they ARE there for me.. but why do i always get the feeling that i'm alone? stupid -.-

i'm not good in studies

i'm not good in dancing?

i'm not good trying to be myself

i'm not good in deciding on what i want
( i do but i tend to listen to what others say =[ )

yayaya you think i'm some over-dramatic girl pretending to be some sort of emo kid. wtv laa k i don't care -.- goFoff

2010-08-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

it's five thirty in the morning now and i'm blogging -.- hmmm, woke up for sahur and i don't think i can get back to bed again. i'm not planning to go anywhere today. but i hope today is a productive and fruitfull day cause i realise these few days that i haven't been studying or doing anything that's worth my time. like using the laptop for the whole day.

hmm anyways, my situation isn't getting any better. nothing is getting any better. maybe things will never be just like i wanted it cause when you're dreaming you don't realize that reality awaits for you. since i'm not fasting now i just wanna say fcuk reality k

2010-08-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

wtf i don't know why i'm crying. i can't describe this feeling i'm feeling right now. i can't be honest to say everything. i wish i could. i wish someone would help me. i wish if i told someone my problems, they won't misjudge me but understand me. why why why....

2010-08-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

i wish i never happened so everything wouldn't have happened

2010-08-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

hmmm idk ah but i'm crying.... i just fucking hate myself. im sorry i hurt you.the feeling is like you wanna do something so badly even though you know can't. but clearly no one is stopping you from doing it but you're stopping yourself for the sake of others. i'm tired of hurting people. seriously and that's the only reason i'm choosing to tear myself apart but i should just suck it in cause i know i deserve all this shit. i guess its worth a sacrifice. I NEED A WAY OUT OF THIS SHIT. FUCK MY LIFE

2010-07-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

i have been using the laptop too much over the weeks and my studies aren't getting any better. Tests are just given with a borderline pass and they never changed. well, i can't live with borderline passes forever. but still, i cannot help but to use the laptop. and once i do, i can't really stop xD well i think its normal for everyone to do that?

2010-07-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

nothing is happening now.

everything is just frozen.

no pathway to walk on.

and living life like there's no future.

2010-07-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

i can't imagine how horrible i was. how self-centered i was. or is it just me and my ego? i always wished to be that sentimental girl but why do i always keep changing my mind to do so. i realize how painful it may be for a person that i may have hurt before. i may have made the deepest scar of all time. i may have shreded hearts that gave up everything for me. but im just being the self-centered girl that i am

cause i'm hot than i'm cold

2010-07-13T06:49:00.001-07:00

I'M IN A FUCKING DENIAL. STOP IT IQYN

2010-07-13T05:49:00.000-07:00

i can't believe how undeniably true this is. i swear i don't know what im feeling anymore. the numbness is all around me and there's no way to escape. if only i had a solution to all this mess i've made in my head. if only i could untangle this knot and continue going through life smoothly. my prioritizing sucks and frankly saying, sometimes i'm just so unpredictable cause i'm always trying to make the perfect decisions i but end up changing my mind over and over again. the thing that sucks about me is that i never really realized that every choice everyone still makes aren't perfect but i just can't help it. either way, the consequences will still be as horrifying as life is